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No Alcoholics or Addicts Allowed
I know the title of this entry would seem to go against everything we learn in the 12 step programs, but if you are an addict or alcoholic in recovery, you must be able to get along in life for the other 22 1/2 or 23 hours that you are not in a meeting. While I agree that for our own health and well-being it makes sense to always say we are an alcoholic or an addict – just the way we do when we introduce ourselves before speaking in a meeting – I don’t think it is the best way to go through the rest of our lives.
The whole AA idea when we identify ourselves as an addict or an alcoholic is so that we don’t forget. If we don’t forget, we may not be as vulnerable to relapsing because we won’t one day think “I USED to be an alcoholic or an addict, but now I am better”. If we think we are better, that opens the door for the disease to slip in through the back and somehow convince us that now better, we can pick up our drink or substance whenever we want, and then put it down again.
Unfortunately, I think it is time somebody woke up and realized how society feels about alcoholics and addicts today, because ultimately you must make your way through society for the better part of your life. In case you hadn’t noticed, society at large has come to judge and condemn alcoholics and addicts as bad or “broken” people. I was an English major at UCLA and I have come to see a lot of the problems that addicts and alcoholics face as semantic in nature.
Let me give you an example. If you had just met somebody and you did not know them well and you were at a party, and one of the first things you told them was “I am an alcoholic”, I can guarantee you the chances are that person would likely have difficulty in finding much to talk about, and he or she might feel especially uncomfortable if they had a drink in their hand. “Wow I wonder why this alcoholic is at a party where they are serving alcohol” and “Why did they have to tell me that” are all things that cross this person’s verbal radar screen. I liken being an alcoholic or an addict to being somebody with cancer. There is a certain percentage of the population that simply can’t deal with cancer in that they don’t know what to say.
Do you say “Aww, Geez, I’m sorry. How do you feel about death and dying, anyways?” because that is all that comes to mind. “What’s chemotherapy like, anyhow?” is not exactly party chatter, and I know because I used to be one of those people. I was one until my wife got breast cancer, and I had to witness losing two twin babies we had, and then they took all my now ex-wife’s plumbing out so she could no longer bear children. We had seen the twins on ultrasound, and listened to their heartbeats. And she turned from a fairly happy person to one who was filled with rage and felt like the world had ripped her off. She did not seek help for such feelings, but rather turned to all the readily available drugs that cancer patients basically have “Carte Blanche” to, and can be prescribed anything. Our marriage never survived the anger or the drugs.
When she got cancer it was very strange, however. A number of friends who I thought were good friends, simply moved off or moved away from us. Nor did I even get a single phone call from some of them asking how I or Wendy was. Then I realized I had been friends with people with whom cancer had paid a visit, and I simply did not know how to deal with it so rather than try to figure it out, I had just put distance between us. I think it has to do with maturity, and what you have experienced in life. Now if a friend or even someone I don’t know well brings up the big “C” word, I know exactly what to say and how to handle it. Moreover I know how everyone’s attention goes out to the cancer victim, but not that person’s spouse. So today that’s one of the first things I bring up to get on common ground – “Wow. I know what it is like being married to a cancer victim”, I’ll say.
And so it is with drug addicts and alcoholics. If the person with whom you are dealing has had no experience with an addict or an alcoholic in their immediate realm, their first reaction will be a negative judgment. And again, I want to stress that most of this problem is in semantics alone. Were you to refer to yourself as an ex-addict or an ex-alcoholic and refer to it in the past where you could say “I used to be an alcoholic” it makes it much easier for the other party because they clearly identify that this was something in your past that is fair game to talk about. They don’t feel (as much) the need to judge you for making what most people perceive to be bad decisions. They are now history, under the “ex” scenario.
I don’t care that addiction was medically formally recognized as a disease of the brain over a year ago. It makes little or no difference, and if anything it has caused the gap to grow larger between those who understand alcoholism and addiction and those who do not. If they do not understand it, they have read this business about it all being a disease of the brain, but this has angered them because it makes it sound like the addict or alcoholic had no choice in the matter, and they simply do not believe that. My own parents believe that it was how they raised me that led to my alcoholism and drug addiction. I was adopted, so there is not a spec of genetic common ground between us, and as such, Mom and Dad will share their judgment each time they have a chance. And each time they can, they will blame it on themselves, that I was allowed to go to parties at such an early age and that they never cracked down on my drinking, as they say it.
It doesn’t matter that I have struggled with this disease all my life, and what I have told them about it in an effort to inform them has gone to no avail. And even though my Dad is a physician, and even though he recognizes logically that I probably got a lot of the addiction bug from my biological parents, rarely if ever is that openly recognized. My Mom, the last time I went to treatment, said to me “Isn’t it wonderful? This time you have no job, no family and no significant other to rush back to (as I had lost them all). Let’s just lick this thing once and for all, honey”. I’ll never forget her saying that — and these were my own parents. So try to imagine how other people view you if you want a dose of reality.
Conclusion: Society at large has and always will for the most part believe that your addiction and alcoholism were gained by your own bad choices, period. If you say you ARE an addict, or you ARE an alcoholic, they read it the wrong way. Refer to yourself as an ex-addict or ex-alcoholic and discuss these events as though they took place in your distant past – even if you are newly sober. Sure, you can recognize that you are playing a game of semantics and that you will always be an addict or an alcoholic, but don’t expect the general public to either understand or take part in what you need to do to keep yourself further away from relapse. My advice is to play the game and distance yourself from the time when you were actively using by saying you “used to be” an addict or alcoholic. It’s just my opinion, but my bet is you will notice the difference in people’s reactions and comfort levels.
It’s too bad, but it’s the truth. Just look at how the general public reacts to sober livings (General reaction to sober livings).
