What is a Sober Living Home or a Halfway House, and What’s The Difference?

This article was not meant to be humorous when I started it, but to be diligent I decided to begin by entering into Google the simple question “what is the difference between a sober living home and a halfway house”. I wanted to begin the article by answering this important question, because it is one that is asked of me most frequently. I wanted to see what results came back from the world’s greatest search engine, just to make sure I have not been missing anything in the answer I have been giving for the past 5 years.

The top 10 results returned for the question are supposedly the most relevant and authoritative answers in the world, and after reading them I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I definitely confirmed one thing for myself, and that is a clear understanding as to why people outside the world of recovery are basically clueless about exactly what a sober living and/or a halfway house is. Nor have they got any idea about what the true purposes of such houses are, and you know what? It’s not their fault. After reading some of the following statements you can’t help but laugh and see why this is the case. Remember, these quotes are not from obscure sites written by ignorant people, they are from the top 10 Google selected websites which describe sober livings and halfway houses:

• People living in a halfway house are “half-way back” to health, having taken the initial step of detoxifying their systems from drugs and alcohol.

• These centers has some standardized facilities for the residents like glorious memory foam beds and new linens, beautiful artwork, contemporary furnishings, new appliances and community media center.

• The Sober living houses are made for the individuals fighting with their addictions.

• In the United States, a halfway house is a residential center where drug users, sex offenders, the mentally ill, or convicted felons are placed immediately after their release from a primary institution such as a prison, hospital or rehabilitation facility.

• The Sober Living Homes also generally have a mandate the individual is either in school or looking for work. Often times the house is locked from 9 am to 4 pm, at which time residents are expected to be at meetings, work, school, gym or other healthy activities.

• In fact, many sober living facilities or transitional homes offer spartan accommodations with peer-guidance that unfortunately cannot match the level of care offered by facilities staffed with addiction experts.

• Many lower-end recovery homes offer group therapy out of necessity, while upscale sober living options can dedicate qualified therapists to spend time with you one-on-one, guiding you in the resolution of your psychological and emotional issues that may have led to alcoholism or drug addiction.

• sober living homes cost roughly the same amount—and sometimes even less—than you would spend on comparable accommodations and recovery treatment.

• Generally when someone is in a half-way house they have a Parole Officer and cannot move out of the Half-way house without court order and/or recommendation from the Parole Officer and a judge.

Let’s get rid of these sober houses because they threaten our neighborhoods!

The real shame in all this is that it’s human nature to fear something you don’t understand, especially if you think it could pose a threat to you or your family – and that’s clearly the case among communities across the country right now. Towns and cities across America are doing everything in their power to create zoning laws designed to ban sober livings entirely. Fortunately there are some Federal Laws which have been protecting the rights of recovery houses thus far, but the recovery industry is living in an unhealthy environment where it feels like the very existence of an industry is hanging on by threads. That’s not an atmosphere that feels strong, healthy and vibrant, however, and running these houses is no easy proposition to begin with. At least we could be operating in an environment that wasn’t hostile towards us, and I think there are a few specific things we can do to help ourselves along these lines. I offer some suggestions that might help at the end of this article.

Sober Living changed my life so substantially, that I quit a 20 year career to open a couple of Sober Living Houses that I still get calls about – 3 years later.

My experience in terms of personal gains achieved while living in a sober living home were so tremendous that I decided to exit a 20 year career in the financial services industry (making mid-six figures) to own and operate two sober living houses. Much of my own experience was gained through managing these houses, and was accomplished via “learning by leading”. The degree of self satisfaction you get from helping others in their time of need can’t be beat. I’d recommend to anybody who is sober who has the inclination, to open a sober living home. I am putting a book together that will have all you need in it to start a house. Given the demands of starting the whole Sober Living Search site it may take another 6 months or be 2012, but I will write the book. In the meantime I’d be happy to consult with anybody who needs help at no cost. Quickly, look what I achieved in 2 years:

Reputation helped me get picked to appear on VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab” TV Series

I ran my houses well and was able to build a reputation strong and positive enough that I was chosen as one of two exclusive facilities to house the “celebrities” from VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in Season 1 and Season 2. I was considered to be enough of an expert that when Rodney King wanted to open his own sober living in Season 2, I was chosen to be his mentor and was taped giving him advice. I was featured on the show as a sober living expert and my job was to consult with Rodney King about how to open a house. Happily almost 4 years later Rodney — who had been a chronically relapsing alcoholic like his father before him — has remained sober and is running a sober living in Los Angeles. That’s obviously thanks to Dr Drew Pinske, not my minor instruction with him (I was not inferring that). Your reputation as a house matters though, especially as people looking for sober livings have told me there are two types of houses out there – houses that tolerate using, and houses that don’t. Well that news gets around, and counselors won’t be recommending “loose” houses. Clearly, make sure you find a “straight-shooting” house if you are searching, and do this by asking counselors at nearby treatment centers about the house, as sober living community gossip is usually dependable in this case.

This is part of the purpose behind the STARR Sober Living Network. By taking a public pledge, houses are putting themselves in a position where they can be held accountable for themselves and their actions as management. This may seem like a “small deal” to some, but read the rationale page with the STARR PLEDGE, and I think you will agree it is a great first step.

If you possibly can, absolutely take advantage of a sober living or halfway house

There’s only one way I can think of to try and convince everybody who has the opportunity to join a sober living or halfway house to do so. It’s to tell the story of a guy who was totally skeptical of these houses and swore he’d never go to one. It is to tell the story of the same guy who had a somewhat tragic, rough road to recovery. It was lucky for him, he recognized after all was said and done, that his family intervened and told him he had to go to sober living or he’d be disinherited – because he was in a bad situation they knew he couldn’t have gotten through without a lot of mutual support. They were right, too. This guy’s whole life changed for the better specifically as a result of the sober living experience. That guy was me.

The Last Chapter of my life story – for which I’d written the perfect ending

Right after I’d gotten divorced I met and moved in with Jenny – the woman of my dreams – the woman who made my life complete – the woman who made the previous 10 years that I had believed were a total waste of life in my prime — not matter. A doctor, well-recognized in her field, beautiful and brilliant, with two young children aged 2 and 4. I fell madly in love with her on our first date, and as soon as I met her kids I felt “her spirit” in them – I could smell it on their breath – and I loved them as an extension of her, just as much, I might add.

To the extent I was changing their diapers and had no problem being the primary care giver, I loved it. I’d fix their meals, drive them to school and on and on. Having been adopted, I always thought I’d want to have my own flesh and blood as children and that I couldn’t be happy without that. But I loved these kids so much, that suddenly the “flesh and blood thing” did not matter at all any more. I was blessed to understand what true, pure love for a child was. The problem was when Jenny and I drank we fought, and when we fought she could get rough.

One night when the kids were visiting their Father, things got out of control. And while I am proud to be able to say I have never struck any woman, the reverse is not true. Well, an “accident” that night led to the full rupture of my spleen right off the artery. I went into emergency surgery for a trauma splenectomy, and I died on the operating table, apparently. When I woke up, my 82 year old father was in the room, which I knew was a very bad thing. He had flown up from Santa Fe, New Mexico, when the surgeons reached him in the middle of the night to tell him I might not make it. I had just kept bleeding out and they could not give me enough blood to make up for the loss, and had replaced my body’s blood volume twice over before stabilizing me.

My Son, I love you,,, But you have to choose between US or HER

Dad’s message was short, but sweet and crystal clear: “Your mother and I love you very much, son, but we can’t be worried at 82 years old at our age about losing our son who is living with a woman we think is stark raving nuts (I had made the horrible mistake of telling them about a few “situations”). So basically, Tom, you have to choose between her or us, and whatever decision you make, we’ll understand”. To throw another level of psychological complication into play, I had been adopted, and I felt a fear I’d never felt before, as though I was finally being “un-adopted” – an adopted child’s greatest fear.

An awful decision sent me into a depression like no other.

This sent me into a tailspin over the next four months, as the prospect of losing my two new babies and my instant family was devastating. And

no matter how Jen got when she drank, I learned to accept it as “not really her but the booze talking”, and I can understand why some women stay with violent men. I let it pass because I LOVED HER UNCONDITIONALLY, and I wanted to have a family after 46 years and a failed marriage. I felt the kids might as well be mine, too. There was not a thing in the world I loved more than these two little people and their mom. But the prospect of losing my parents and my sister was an awful alternative, and I could not envision having two families that were totally estranged. So I was put into the terrible position of having to abandon two children – which would be a painful trauma for them (two innocent souls stuck in the middle). They were already involved in an ugly custody battle and the guilt of putting them through more negative emotions just tore me up. Not to mention losing Jen, who I still loved with all my heart (though I now realize I was in a sick and unhealthy relationship – I didn’t see it that way then). I only knew I was faced with losing 3 of the loves of my life.

Drugs and Alcohol Lead Me to the Hospital

All outcomes to this dilemma were terrible and suffice it to say that this forced decision sent me into a deep and dark depression, and to relieve that depression I turned to alcohol then painkillers, then benzodiazepams (Xanax, Valium, Clonopin) — all of which served to make the depression and life in general much worse, which I didn’t think was possible. AA says that drugs lead to just one of 3 places: Hospital, Jail or Death. I got lucky, where the drugs and alcohol secured me an admission ticket to a Rehab Hospital, but I was in a frame of mind that would have settled for any one of the 3.

I began to recover under a “Dual Diagnosis” Treatment

My sister found me a “dual diagnosis” hospital (Aurora Las Encinas in Pasadena) where they specialize in dealing with chemical addiction and a potential connection with a mood disorder, which so often is the case. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (I allowed my depression to worsen without treatment to a point where it morphed into Bipolar Disorder, as I was afflicted way before Jennifer) – Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.

When you can treat the disorder(s), the chances are good that the cravings for drugs and alcohol will significantly diminish and you have excellent chances for a happy, productive life. I was put on a variety of antidepressants and mood stabilizers, which slowly began to pull me from the depths of my depression (and indeed years later, I am as happy as I ever could have imagined).

After Two Months in Treatment It was Time to GO –But another family intervention forced me to go to sober living

After 57 days in the hospital I was more than ready for release, and I just wanted to get out of Pasadena and back to my life or what was left of it in Santa Monica – but this was not to be. Another family intervention forced me to go to sober living, but as distasteful as it seemed to me at the time, I had learned to start listening to people. Everybody on my treatment team was recommending that without a doubt I go to sober living, too. So I did, expecting the worst. I expected a crappy home environment, “low end people”, and a humiliating general atmosphere where I’d spend the day cleaning toilets with toothbrushes.

What a different attitude I had within minutes of arriving there, however. The sober living in Pasadena was newly refurbished, had hardwood floors, a big flat-screen, a very nice kitchen with a central wood block, nice furniture, several nice areas to relax and smoke outside –and I got my own bedroom with my own bathroom. This was heaven compared to what I had expected, and it was even better when I met and befriended a few people who I was able to talk with and relate to at deeper levels.

At Sober Living I broke up with the love of my life and her two children and I didn’t relapse.

I was finally was able to break it off with Jen because with professional help – and perspective from some of my sober living buds — I was able to see how unhealthy and genuinely crazy things were with her. These were things at the time I could not see.

How valuable can a sober living experience be for someone? I never could have worked my life out had I not been in sober living and had the support of a group of people I could vent to, explain my frustrations to, and share how badly I just wanted to go out and get hammered sometimes because everything hurt so badly. I dealt with finding out Jennifer was dating other men and that she was on multiple Internet dating services. Can you imagine loving somebody with all your heart and finding these things out?

These discoveries enraged me and I don’t know how I ever would have been able to fathom these inevitable things had I not been in a controlled environment. I cried sometimes for hours at the loss of my babies, especially Isabelle, I missed her so (and still do). Jen would call me and then put one of them on the phone to ask me when I was coming “home”. It was cruel, but it was her way of getting at me – likely to punish me for leaving. She eventually sought help herself, was indeed also diagnosed with a mood disorder, and the phone calls finally stopped.

I learned from my doctors that two people who had untreated mood disorders, were together comparable to an emotional nuclear bomb, which helped explain how our behavior could have been such, while still loving each other to the degree we did.

Sober living saved me. Between keeping a journal and being able to write down my feelings and see a doctor when I needed one, I made it through a truly awful period in my life – probably the worst time ever. If I could make it through the suffering I endured, others can certainly do it as well, for I am certainly no Saint. The emotional ups and downs I had to go through certainly would have sent me back to drugs or alcohol had I been left to work all that out in my own apartment. Sober Living and Halfway Houses are the answer.

They work.

LISTED BELOW: EXAMPLES OF EMOTIONAL UPS AND DOWNS THAT WOULD LEAD TO RELAPSE IF ONE HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH THEM ALONE

My story is perhaps extreme, but so is everybody’s story extreme from their own perspective. I’m sure people may read this and say “ I don’t get it. The bitch almost killed you and — you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her?”. “Hell yes – at that time’’ would be my answer – but that doesn’t matter. Everybody’s drama or pain is relative to their own perspective, that’s all. I believe the strengths below that anyone can and must access to get through such times, can be found in a sober living or halfway house environment. Through the support of others you will discover that you can:

1) Endure emotional fights, telephone calls, tears, and anger without using. At a sober living you can get through these things – perhaps for the first time in your life without a drug as a crutch – and this gives you the confidence and self esteem to know you can do it when you leave.

2) Deal with not having a job, or the rejection of being turned down for jobs, and going home to a place where you deal with it instead of going out and grabbing a few beers. Your confidence levels about the emotional ups and downs you can suffer through without using are invaluable. These are what make the difference between relapsing or not for people who want to succeed. They build up their characters in these houses. Because they go through it successfully in sober living, that part of them knows they can get through it “out there” when that time comes. It dramatically increases the chances the person will make it through during some sort of “squeeze” later, and hold it together.

3) Make it through innumerable experiences that once sent you “over the edge” to your drink or drug. By managing to get through it and stay clean, this helps you build the growth, maturity, momentum, and confidence that you can depend upon again later to carry you through the day that situation comes along again. You have successfully been through it before in sober living without breaking down.

Personal Note: I know these things to be true as well or better than anyone in the business because a) I got through a really tough situation myself in sober living without using, and it let me know I could do it again after sober living, and b) the number of people who have approached me while I was managing to say with joy “Tom! I had that brutal fight with my (dad, wife, mother, sister) last night who called me a loser and started on his (or her) thing where I’d ALWAYS go out and drink after such a call — and last night for the first time I didn’t!!” These types of situations can only strengthen people who are looking to fill their sober toolbox up with tools that can help them handle things they couldn’t handle before.

Sober Living Gives you Something You Can’t get in Treatment

Treatment cannot give you the more total degree of confidence you need to stay sober because you are in too controlled an environment. But sober living – where you are free to go get that bottle of Vodka or rock of cocaine because it’s right down the street on the corner BUT YOU DON’T…That builds a different kind of confidence and character into every alcoholic or addict who could benefit from the experience. Alcoholics and addicts simply MUST be able to gain THIS EXACT TYPE OF CONFIDENCE from these experiences if anybody expects them to stay sober.

This benefit – which you just can’t duplicate anywhere — is why I am hell-bent on seeing treatment centers follow through and literally include or build in a sober living/halfway house as a stage of treatment in their curriculum. “Treatment” per se is NOT FINISHED in a treatment environment, and at most centers they give you the feeling that you are “done”. You get a medallion or certificate of some sort, when you should be getting a map to a sober living or halfway house. You still have as much as another 50% of treatment to finish, and the giant problem here is the treatment centers either ignore this notion or expect you to accomplish this yourself – but you can’t and don’t. You relapse along with at least 95% (or more) of other people who go straight home.

TREATMENT needs to be defined – then people would understand it may START at a center, but it certainly doesn’t end there.

TREATMENT needs to be properly defined as perhaps “To gather by way of learning as many tricks and tools as possible to successfully get through different situations that threaten your sobriety.” But today everyone is so proud of “making it through” or “finishing the program” because of the way it is positioned, that an idea of total achievement is perceived upon the day you leave the treatment center, as mentioned above. Addiction or treatment centers do not have to present treatment this way and give people a false sense of hope because everybody in the business – especially the treatment centers – know that if a “graduate” goes straight back home he will probably relapse. The reality is that they are just relapsing along with 95% or more of the addict population who don’t allow themselves the benefit of sober living.

Recovery Housing should be presented as an option at Treatment Check-in, when the house can be selected and a start date established

Statistically it is well known and only makes logical sense that if you can do something to extend your sobriety, then you should do it. Sober living or halfway housing is strongly recommended by almost every treatment center I’ve heard of, but few of them put the necessary emphasis on the recommendation to convince many clients to follow through. The notion that sober living is a PART of treatment should be introduced earlier in the process. If it were, perhaps it would not appear to be the “add-on” extra that so many people blow off. By the time sober living is presented as a viable solution, the patient is already feeling much better and has his eye on the prize – that being the day he is supposed to check out of treatment.

There is no significant difference between a Sober Living Home and a Halfway House

I have talked to some real halfway house Nazis on the East Coast who have said things like “we’re no cushy sober living like you have out there in California where you sit on your butts getting a tan on the beach. We have RULES. We have REGULATIONS. We have THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TO DO at our halfway house – and that’s why we are no ‘sober living’.

In my experience – which includes helping put together a database of thousands of sober livings AND halfway houses (I don’t know anyone who has reviewed more websites for both types of houses than I have) for the most part they are both striving to achieve exactly the same things. Sure, some are stricter than others and not all rules and requirements are the same between houses. If anything, halfway houses in certain parts of the country do not give sober livings enough respect for the degree of rules and enforcement that most sober livings really do have. It’s as though the halfway houses in some areas of the country believe that Promises and a few other upscale organizations represent the way all sober living houses are in California – when nothing could be further from the truth. Disbelievers: go through our site and review sober livings vs. sites for halfway houses.

Themes Common Between Both Types of Houses

Recurring themes in both are 1) get to a certain number of meetings a month, 2) attend a meeting once a week here at the house, 3) don’t think you can get away with laying around the house in the daytime – you should be in a day program, seeing a doctor, or looking for or working at a job to make your way and add to the community (this usually includes volunteer work, etc),a and 4) perform your part of the house duties assigned to you. I could go on and on, but I have found little to no meaningful difference in general between halfway houses and sober livings.

The Halfway House EXCEPTION to the Rules

The huge exception to this statement relates to halfway houses which work with the state correctional programs and which seek to further rehabilitate criminals or ex-cons, and or prepare them for the world on the “outside”. Their programs are indeed different than what I have been calling the half-way houses in the article above, and I believe it is this group of houses that give both sober livings and halfway houses really bad names. In the news you read about ex-cons “escaping” from halfway houses and committing more crimes.

The general public is not aware of all the subtleties I have discussed in this paper, and in their mind a halfway house is a halfway house is a halfway house. What I can’t understand is why sober living type halfway houses use the same name as the state halfway houses –where the stories of escape, of violence and even murders occurring in a halfway house, or other dramatic stories probably confuse the general public terribly. Under these circumstances, I would be trying to get sober livings and halfway houses out of my neighborhood, also — so I believe we need to campaign to educate people. Also, if you are calling around to find a halfway house, make sure you find one that is NOT working with the Department of Corrections.

One Way to stop the confusion

I think we may need to go so far as to change what these houses are called, and with a central hub for homes, which I hope this site can become, we may be able to change the face of the sober living/halfway housing where a discussion about a mass name change wouldn’t be out of the question. As we gather steam I will start a contest for next best name and we can see where we can take this discussion in order to achieve a change in attitude about our smaller, more secure type of neighbor-friendly home. You never know – change has got to start somewhere. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to help the general public understand the difference between a Department of Corrections Halfway House, and change the mood to be more supportive for after-treatment housing?

I think the issue is so confusing to some, especially with correctional departments’ halfway houses in the mix, that the whole recovery industry would benefit greatly by agreeing that we call the houses related to sobriety something entirely different – like Recovery Housing. I’ll throw my name in the hat first. The rationale for calling it recovery housing is it conveys a name where people are getting better – they are recovering – vs. names that sound potentially much more negative. “Sober Living” conjures up the image of a classic drunk for me, and I am talking about a “bum-in-the-street” drunk. Halfway-housing immediately conjures up legal problems, and reminds me of someone who is “halfway out of jail” but not all the way – and he is a criminal either way you look at it (I’m just not sure whether he killed, or robbed, or raped). And don’t get me wrong – I think criminals deserve a fresh start just as others do, but we are talking now about public perception and trying to garner positive support for the recovery industry.

What are your thoughts?

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